Help me contact Stephen King!!!
Dearest friends in the greater magickal community, I'm reaching out for help. Some of you may know me as The Archanacon, Indiana's preeminent corn alchemist. Some of you I am privileged to call friends. I am reaching out to you in my time of dire need because all of my remote transcranial efforts to contact prolific award-winning horror writer Stephen King have failed. I am in desperate need to get in contact with him to deliver the following message, but his skull is too well-warded. If any of you get this message to him, my soul would be forever in debt to yours.
Dear Mr. King,
I’m a big fan of your work. It was really cool when that car killed all those people in Christine and when the girl in The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon conquered forest satan. I think you’re probably the only person to write a child orgy under his own name and continue to carry on a career as a mainstream novelist. And that’s very nice for you. But now down to brass tacks. My sister dated this rich kid loser on and off for a year and I won’t bore you with the details but one of the things he said multiple times is that he had the same sponsor as you. He said his AA sponsor was also your sponsor. Now I’m sure we can both agree that name-dropping your sponsor’s high-profile sponsees is kind of pathetic and weird, but we’re not done yet. As it turns out it isn’t even true, which I’m sure we can both agree is pretty much as pathetic as any person can get. So here’s where I actually get down to brass tacks. I would like to give you the name and contact info for my sister's ex boyfriend. I think it would be hilarious if you personally involved yourself in my petty crusade and called him and asked him to account for why he keeps telling people you have the same sponsor in violation of both the truth and also the pact of confidentiality I assume exists between people in the program. Thanks for your time! I look forward to hearing back from you if I haven’t come across as absolutely insane.
Yours very truly, The Archanacon, Indiana's Preeminent Corn Alchemist